When you look in the mirror, whose voices do you hear?

 

When you look in the mirror, whose voices do you hear?

When we look at ourselves in the mirror, we hear different voices in our head. “you are not pretty”, “ You have a weird nose”, “Your eyes are too small or big”, “you need to lose weight”, “You are not intelligent enough”

Where are these voices coming from? Are these words you tell yourself or are these the words from the past that are always on “play” in your head?

As we are growing up, our subconscious mind records and stores the words and the emotions attached to those words about ourselves and we begin to believe those to be true about ourselves. We may have gone on to become adults but the inner child within us still feels the pain from hearing those harsh words and is still walking around wounded from those unhealed emotions. These emotions and beliefs about ourselves, when triggered, come up to the surface.

We can start to put on a mask of feeling good about ourselves but until and unless the wounds on the inner child are not acknowledged and healed, time and again, the wounds will surface up and stop us from moving forward in our lives, in the form of unhealthy relationships with ourselves and the people around us.

There are various healing modalities that can be used to work with the inner child to become more conscious about ourselves so that we can be more conscious about our parenting.

Loving your inner child

My inner child knows how perfect she is. I hold this child close to my heart and tell her how much I love her- Louise Hay

 

Many of us, some more than others, have heard things unpleasant about ourselves in our growing up years that have become a part of us now. It’s almost like a footprint that has stayed on for life.

We walk around in life believing that the things we have heard about ourselves were true and that the way we had been treated was how we deserved to be treated and thus we go on to allowing people to continue treating us like that. No one deserves to feel unloved, or not worthy of love. That inner child within all of us needs to know that no ones else’s opinion counts, that no matter what..  you will always love her.

The most important reason to love the inner child is so that we can heal that little child to make us better parents because otherwise we will walk around wounded and will continue to live a life where we numb out on certain emotions and will never heal them.

Are we teaching our children how to stress?

“Come on hurry up and have your breakfast!” , “ How long will it take for you to finish your milk?” , “You better eat fast or else you are going to miss your bus today!”

What happens when a child hears this? He rushes through the eating process with the fear that either he will miss the bus or his parent will get upset. So at an early age the child learns to gulp his meals, which means he is not chewing the food well which in turn is going to affect his digestion. This not only ensures that the child is not digesting his food well, but also the fact that the child learns to “fast forward” his life as opposed to “slowing down”. He begins to apply the “fast forward” method not only during his meals, but also life in general.

With parents who are stressed out themselves due to the pressure of time, work, family obligations etc. it is hard sometimes to slow down even if we want to , but is it impossible?

What are some of the ways we can help our children practice “slowing down” and being mindful not only in their eating but eventually in all areas of their life?

1. If we as parents could spend 15 minutes every night going over and doing some preparation with the following days breakfast, it will save time in the morning and we can be a little more relaxed ourselves
2. If we could ensure that the child has his school bag and his clothes for the next day laid out the night before, it will save us the screaming next morning
4. If we could teach our children to write down at the end of the day, just one thing that they are grateful for, they will learn to appreciate all things in life and thus make gratitude a way of living.
3. If we could wake up even 15 minutes early in the morning and practice meditating, even if just for 5 minutes…. we are starting our day so much more relaxed and that in turn will mean we can be more “present” in our lives
4. When the child is taught to be “mindful” about his eating, he will gradually learn to be “mindful” in life

In this fast paced world, it is important to help our children understand the value of “slowing down” in a way where they are not just breezing through life without even actually enjoying life. If we can role model for them the importance of mindfulness, gratitude, love, we can help make this planet a beautiful place with beautiful people!

I “have” to Exercise.. how do you make that I “want” to exercise !

How many of us have a set exercise routine just because we have to do it? Is there anything wrong in doing so?
Well, when we do something on a regular basis just because we have to do it, we are more than likely to give up doing that eventually. I mean seriously, how long can you continue to run on the treadmill or the elliptical or go for that zumba class if you are not really enjoying it?

But most of us will tell ourselves that exercising is important and so will just drag ourself into doing something only to give it up eventually. Is there a better way of doing this?
Well what if someone who loved to dance chose to just dance? someone who loved to do yoga just did yoga? someone who loved to go for long outdoor walks, just did exactly that?

– The key is to find an activity that you love doing
– It is not necessary to be at the gym exercising for hours, in fact that results in exactly the opposite if you are trying to lose weight. Even a 15 minutes routine done 2 or 3 times a day works great.
– Find an activity that you can do with a friend. You can motivate each other and it will also be more fun

After all you “want” to look good not “have” to look good !! 🙂

But meditation slows me down!! .. does it really??

The alarm goes off, you wake up and rush along with your morning chores, be it getting ready for work, getting kids ready for school, packing lunches etc.. and ya screaming at the kids or spouses or at your own self . Through all this rushing, we eat a rushed breakfast at home or grab breakfast to go, eat while driving and maybe even manage  a call at the same time.

Another scenario could be setting the alarm 15 minutes early than usual and taking out 10 minutes to meditate. “But I have absolutely no time in the morning!!” .. is what I used to say before . When you mediate and spend the first few minutes of the day listening to your inner voice , being aware of what thoughts are going through your mind, being aware of your breath, you start your day by slowing down yourself.. that just means you are more calm, more grounded, more happy and when that happens, you are starting your morning feeling happy and feeling love for yourself and for the people around you.  You are thoughtful about the choices you make. The choices could be in terms of what you choose to eat, the words you choose to speak or what you plan to do for that day.

Ofcourse there are side effects of meditating 🙂

1. you will be more calm and happy

2. your stress levels will go down

3. Any stress related health issues will begin to disappear

4. You will be more focussed

 

The above are only a few..

By the way, from not having any time to meditate in the morning, I have gone on to finding 30 minutes !!

 

Nothing should be clung to as me or mine

Every attachment , be it a relationship, a material object, a position is accompanied by fear. What happens when we evoke fear? We set into motion the physiology of stress.

We need to learn to let go. Letting go does not mean ending a relationship  nor does it mean not enjoying the material things you have in life. It just means to always be aware that you don’t attach yourself to them. When you live in a state of detachment,  you learn to live without any fear. Living in this state always keeps you in a state of balance because you start to focus on the fact that true happiness lies only within you. We have learnt to place the responsibility of keeping us happy on external relations and material possessions. When we do that, we are always afraid that if things change on the outside life will become difficult.

What happens in a relationship where we attach ourselves too much? there is the fear of losing the relationship. When that fear sets in, we begin to try and control the lives of the people involved in that relationship, thinking that by doing so we can ensure that we don’t lose them. But what happens in reality is that, we are only doing the exact opposite of that. Suffocating others in our relationships only out of fear of losing them, takes them even farther away from us.

It takes time to feel comfortable spending time by yourself in moments of silence. Gradually the more you do that and the more you enjoy being with yourself and create a beautiful relationship with yourself, the more better will be your relationships in the outer world.

 

“Are you wearing your rose colored glasses today?”

Do we have it all in life? I am sure not. We may always be in a situation where everything is not perfect. What if we could put on our rose colored glasses each morning on waking up and be able to see the perfection in the imperfection, compassion in the in-compassion and happiness in whatever situation we are in. What if putting on those pretty rose colored glasses could help us feel gratitude for what we have and not focus on what we don’t.

Each day if we set the intention to see the good in what is, we don’t change the situation, but we change how we react to those situations. We can decide that we will make that day the best day of our life, because that greatest gift we have received for that day is that we have opened our eyes and have another day of our life to do the things we have wished to do, to love the people who deserve that love, to laugh and spread that laughter to those who need it.

So don’t forget to put in your rose colored glasses today to look pretty and to make the world around you prettier!

Anger VS Compassion

  

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

– Buddha

 

What is Anger?

 

Anger is a normal emotion with a wide range of intensity, from mild irritation and frustration to rage. It is a reaction to a perceived threat to ourselves, our loved ones, our property, our self-image, or some part of our identity. Anger is a warning bell that tells us that something is wrong.

 

Everyone experiences anger, and it can be healthy. It can motivate us to stand up for correct injustices and ourselves. When we manage anger well, it prompts us to make positive changes in our lives and situations.


Mismanaged anger, on the other hand, is counterproductive and can be unhealthy. When anger is too intense, out of control, misdirected, and overly aggressive, it can lead to poor decision making and problem solving, create problems with relationships and at work, and can even affect your health. 

 

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion

– Dalai Lama

 

What is Compassion?

 

The definition of compassion is the ability to understand the emotional state of another person or oneself. Often confused with empathy, compassion has the added element of having a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another. Having compassion for someone involves more than putting yourself in their place and genuinely wanting to understand or even help them

 

 

Anger vs Compassion:

 

2 years I lost my friend (will call her Maya) to domestic violence. This happened just as I was trying to cope with the loss of my dad. This incident left me in a state of shock. It was something you only hear about in the papers and news, not something you experience yourself. As the reality of the news sunk in, I was left with a lot of anger. Anger towards her husband (Samir). I could not believe that he had done, what he had and not thought about the future of their 3 children. I found myself constantly trying to go online to check what happened regarding the case almost wishing to see that he has to pay a price for it.

 

I would every so often go and look at Samir’s facebook pictures and also some you tube videos that he had taken with his kids to surprise Maya, who was living away from the family due to work reasons. Not sure when this change happened, but I found myself thinking a lot about what must have led Samir to do what he ended up doing. He seemed to be a great father who was always capturing even small events or achievements of his kids. I could see the love in eyes for his wife in all his pictures. I would often think about what must he be feeling or thinking now. I asked myself if I was doing the right thing by holding on to that anger. I thought about what that anger was doing to me, and how it was affecting my life or my behavior. I wondered about whether being angry was helping in any way. I asked myself if it was worth it. I asked myself if it would be possible to change that feeling. I slowly realized that as I was letting go of all that anger that was built up inside of me, I was making way for compassion. As I was doing that, I felt that I was no one had the right to judge someone. I did not know what series of events led to that moment of anger where he probably did not even realize what he had done. Although I agree that nobody has the right to take someone’s life, I also agree that Maya is now is a state of peace but Samir will live with this pain or regret forever. That in it self is his punishment and there is no reason for me to hold on to that anger. I also decided to go and meet Samir in prison to be sure that I have no trace of anger left in me. When I went to see him, and seeing him cry and miss his wife and kids, made me feel that he truly regretted what must have happened in a split second of uncontrolled anger. All I feel for him now is forgiveness and compassion.

 

Reflections

Some questions that we can ask ourselves is:

1. In what situation, do you find yourself feeling angry?

2. What can you do to change that anger to forgiving and compassion?

3. Why is it important to change that feeling of anger to feeling of compassion?

4. How do you feel when you have been able to release anger and make place for compassion?

 

Coaching Application

Coaches need to be aware of their emotional state before a coaching session. Entering a session with anger due to any reason, will make that session an unsuccessful one.

 

We also have to help our clients to be aware if there is built up anger or the tendency towards anger. The awareness of the presence of anger is the first step towards working on this problem.

 

The questions we could ask the clients to help them with anger are:

 

1. How is anger affecting your lives?

2. What could you do to change this?

3. Would you be willing to accept that this problem exists and take help of loved ones to resolve this?

4. How would you feel if you could change this feeling of anger to love or compassion?

5. How do you think your loved ones would feel if you could succeed at doing this?

 

 

 

That one Question!

“What will others think or say?”

This one question

– Prevents many of us from reaching our highest potentials

– stops us from pursuing our passion

– Keeps us in one place like stagnant water as opposed to being the huge tide of wave that we can be.

What can we do to overcome the fear of this one question and be able to achieve whatever it is that we want to?

– Learn to listen to the inner voice that is always guiding us but many a times we choose to ignore

– Start to have faith in ourselves and make what we feel more important than what others will feel or think

– Surround yourself with people who make you feel good and keep you staying positive

– Stop listening to the outside chatter because people will talk, ridicule and think you are crazy. I don’t know about you , but I would rather be crazy about my passion and dream than be afraid to ever dream!

Have you ever experienced unconditional love?

Unconditional love really exists in each of us. It is part of our deep inner being. It is not so much an active emotion as a state of being. It’s not ‘I love you’ for this or that reason, not ‘I love you if you love me.’ It’s love for no reason, love without an object.
Ram Dass

We recently had an addition to the family. We brought home our 2 month old yorkie. Since she is so tiny and still needs to be trained, were asked to keep her for most of the day in a crate. I noticed that each time I opened the crate and let her out, her first reaction was to come to me and so lovingly lick my hands and face and she would do this endlessly. Each time she did that, I kept thinking that even though I was keeping her locked up, instead of running away from me or being angry and upset, she was showing me so much love! That act of hers would bring an overwhelming feeling of love in me. I realized that this was what unconditional love is.

If we can bring in this kind of love in our relationships, wouldn’t we all be happier human beings? Ofcourse its not easy. We have been conditioned to love back only the people who do something for us and so being able to love someone without any expectations or returns can be hard. Each time we are upset at someone, the usual thought is “I have done so much for him/her and yet he treats me like that”!, which shows that we expected something back for loving that person or doing something for that person.

We cannot overnight bring this change into our lives, but maybe we can start trying today ?