Anger VS Compassion

  

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

– Buddha

 

What is Anger?

 

Anger is a normal emotion with a wide range of intensity, from mild irritation and frustration to rage. It is a reaction to a perceived threat to ourselves, our loved ones, our property, our self-image, or some part of our identity. Anger is a warning bell that tells us that something is wrong.

 

Everyone experiences anger, and it can be healthy. It can motivate us to stand up for correct injustices and ourselves. When we manage anger well, it prompts us to make positive changes in our lives and situations.


Mismanaged anger, on the other hand, is counterproductive and can be unhealthy. When anger is too intense, out of control, misdirected, and overly aggressive, it can lead to poor decision making and problem solving, create problems with relationships and at work, and can even affect your health. 

 

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion

– Dalai Lama

 

What is Compassion?

 

The definition of compassion is the ability to understand the emotional state of another person or oneself. Often confused with empathy, compassion has the added element of having a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another. Having compassion for someone involves more than putting yourself in their place and genuinely wanting to understand or even help them

 

 

Anger vs Compassion:

 

2 years I lost my friend (will call her Maya) to domestic violence. This happened just as I was trying to cope with the loss of my dad. This incident left me in a state of shock. It was something you only hear about in the papers and news, not something you experience yourself. As the reality of the news sunk in, I was left with a lot of anger. Anger towards her husband (Samir). I could not believe that he had done, what he had and not thought about the future of their 3 children. I found myself constantly trying to go online to check what happened regarding the case almost wishing to see that he has to pay a price for it.

 

I would every so often go and look at Samir’s facebook pictures and also some you tube videos that he had taken with his kids to surprise Maya, who was living away from the family due to work reasons. Not sure when this change happened, but I found myself thinking a lot about what must have led Samir to do what he ended up doing. He seemed to be a great father who was always capturing even small events or achievements of his kids. I could see the love in eyes for his wife in all his pictures. I would often think about what must he be feeling or thinking now. I asked myself if I was doing the right thing by holding on to that anger. I thought about what that anger was doing to me, and how it was affecting my life or my behavior. I wondered about whether being angry was helping in any way. I asked myself if it was worth it. I asked myself if it would be possible to change that feeling. I slowly realized that as I was letting go of all that anger that was built up inside of me, I was making way for compassion. As I was doing that, I felt that I was no one had the right to judge someone. I did not know what series of events led to that moment of anger where he probably did not even realize what he had done. Although I agree that nobody has the right to take someone’s life, I also agree that Maya is now is a state of peace but Samir will live with this pain or regret forever. That in it self is his punishment and there is no reason for me to hold on to that anger. I also decided to go and meet Samir in prison to be sure that I have no trace of anger left in me. When I went to see him, and seeing him cry and miss his wife and kids, made me feel that he truly regretted what must have happened in a split second of uncontrolled anger. All I feel for him now is forgiveness and compassion.

 

Reflections

Some questions that we can ask ourselves is:

1. In what situation, do you find yourself feeling angry?

2. What can you do to change that anger to forgiving and compassion?

3. Why is it important to change that feeling of anger to feeling of compassion?

4. How do you feel when you have been able to release anger and make place for compassion?

 

Coaching Application

Coaches need to be aware of their emotional state before a coaching session. Entering a session with anger due to any reason, will make that session an unsuccessful one.

 

We also have to help our clients to be aware if there is built up anger or the tendency towards anger. The awareness of the presence of anger is the first step towards working on this problem.

 

The questions we could ask the clients to help them with anger are:

 

1. How is anger affecting your lives?

2. What could you do to change this?

3. Would you be willing to accept that this problem exists and take help of loved ones to resolve this?

4. How would you feel if you could change this feeling of anger to love or compassion?

5. How do you think your loved ones would feel if you could succeed at doing this?

 

 

 

Why relationships and Psychology of eating coach?

Some people asked me that I was a life coach helping people in the areas of relationships then why did I train to become a psychology of eating coach? Well as a psychology of eating coach I work with my clients in finding areas of their personal relationships, either with themselves or with others that need to be worked on. When we are able to find those areas and we work on resolving them, we resolve the areas around their Metabolism or their weight.

Sounds amazing! I have struggled with weight for very many years of my life and during my quest to finding the solution that would help me lose weight and hep me keep it off, I stumbled upon the Institute for the Psychology of Eating and during my journey there realised how our relation with food had so much to say about our personal relations. I immediately decided to combine my relationship coaching with my Psychology of eating and help my clients realize that losing the weight is more than eating less and exercising more!!

To be coached before you coach

When I first started my coaching at International Coach Academy, I found out that one of the graduation requirements was to be coached first for a set number of hours, before I could coach someone. The questions that came to my mind were-

1) Why do I need to be coached?

2) I am here to train in coaching others, then why have a coach myself?

3) What problem do I have that I require coaching?

4) Will that session with my coach be one where there will be nothing to talk about because i don’t really have an area where I require coaching?

I want to laugh out loud as I write this. When I did start my coaching session, it is amazing how so many things came up in those sessions. There was fear, not having confidence, needing help with staying motivated !! The one hour with my absolutely AMAZING coach would just fly by so quick! What I really liked about him was that he gave me ample of space to talk/let out whatever I wanted to and was willing to. There was an amazing amount of trust that he built into the session and the encouragement that I received from him has taken me a long way from what I was at the beginning of the sessions to where I am now.

Now that my coaching is coming to an end, I think back and realize why ICA puts you through being coached before you coach. You first go through a complete change in yourself. That does not mean that you become perfect in the areas you need help, but you are now aware of those areas and are willing to accept and work on those areas. This self awareness definitely helps me when I am now coaching my clients.

I cannot thank ICA enough for this wonderful experience that I have gone through!!