Anger VS Compassion

  

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

– Buddha

 

What is Anger?

 

Anger is a normal emotion with a wide range of intensity, from mild irritation and frustration to rage. It is a reaction to a perceived threat to ourselves, our loved ones, our property, our self-image, or some part of our identity. Anger is a warning bell that tells us that something is wrong.

 

Everyone experiences anger, and it can be healthy. It can motivate us to stand up for correct injustices and ourselves. When we manage anger well, it prompts us to make positive changes in our lives and situations.


Mismanaged anger, on the other hand, is counterproductive and can be unhealthy. When anger is too intense, out of control, misdirected, and overly aggressive, it can lead to poor decision making and problem solving, create problems with relationships and at work, and can even affect your health. 

 

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion

– Dalai Lama

 

What is Compassion?

 

The definition of compassion is the ability to understand the emotional state of another person or oneself. Often confused with empathy, compassion has the added element of having a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another. Having compassion for someone involves more than putting yourself in their place and genuinely wanting to understand or even help them

 

 

Anger vs Compassion:

 

2 years I lost my friend (will call her Maya) to domestic violence. This happened just as I was trying to cope with the loss of my dad. This incident left me in a state of shock. It was something you only hear about in the papers and news, not something you experience yourself. As the reality of the news sunk in, I was left with a lot of anger. Anger towards her husband (Samir). I could not believe that he had done, what he had and not thought about the future of their 3 children. I found myself constantly trying to go online to check what happened regarding the case almost wishing to see that he has to pay a price for it.

 

I would every so often go and look at Samir’s facebook pictures and also some you tube videos that he had taken with his kids to surprise Maya, who was living away from the family due to work reasons. Not sure when this change happened, but I found myself thinking a lot about what must have led Samir to do what he ended up doing. He seemed to be a great father who was always capturing even small events or achievements of his kids. I could see the love in eyes for his wife in all his pictures. I would often think about what must he be feeling or thinking now. I asked myself if I was doing the right thing by holding on to that anger. I thought about what that anger was doing to me, and how it was affecting my life or my behavior. I wondered about whether being angry was helping in any way. I asked myself if it was worth it. I asked myself if it would be possible to change that feeling. I slowly realized that as I was letting go of all that anger that was built up inside of me, I was making way for compassion. As I was doing that, I felt that I was no one had the right to judge someone. I did not know what series of events led to that moment of anger where he probably did not even realize what he had done. Although I agree that nobody has the right to take someone’s life, I also agree that Maya is now is a state of peace but Samir will live with this pain or regret forever. That in it self is his punishment and there is no reason for me to hold on to that anger. I also decided to go and meet Samir in prison to be sure that I have no trace of anger left in me. When I went to see him, and seeing him cry and miss his wife and kids, made me feel that he truly regretted what must have happened in a split second of uncontrolled anger. All I feel for him now is forgiveness and compassion.

 

Reflections

Some questions that we can ask ourselves is:

1. In what situation, do you find yourself feeling angry?

2. What can you do to change that anger to forgiving and compassion?

3. Why is it important to change that feeling of anger to feeling of compassion?

4. How do you feel when you have been able to release anger and make place for compassion?

 

Coaching Application

Coaches need to be aware of their emotional state before a coaching session. Entering a session with anger due to any reason, will make that session an unsuccessful one.

 

We also have to help our clients to be aware if there is built up anger or the tendency towards anger. The awareness of the presence of anger is the first step towards working on this problem.

 

The questions we could ask the clients to help them with anger are:

 

1. How is anger affecting your lives?

2. What could you do to change this?

3. Would you be willing to accept that this problem exists and take help of loved ones to resolve this?

4. How would you feel if you could change this feeling of anger to love or compassion?

5. How do you think your loved ones would feel if you could succeed at doing this?

 

 

 

My first experience visiting someone in “Prison”

It all started when I heard a small voice inside of me telling me to let go of my anger and  go visit my friend’s husband in the prison. Will talk more about that in my next post but for now want to just focus on my experience visiting the prison. My husband accompanied me ( what a great guy for just following my request , no questions asked)  there and we parked our car and started to walk towards the building. Just walking towards the building made my heart beats speed up.

We entered the building and there was a line up and so we got into the line. When our turn came, I was asked the name of the person we wanted to visit and his booking number. They asked us to go through the metal detectors. There was a line up there too.. While waiting in the line I saw a little girl, all dressed up, with her grandmother and maybe an aunt. They were rehearsing what the little girl was going to say when she would see her “mommy and daddy”!!

We go through the metal detectors and it was a walk before we got to another line up and another set of thick dark tinted windows. Being the 5 feet that I am, I had to go on my toes to talk into  the speaker and I told the person on the other end who we were there to meet. She asked for our identification cards. I was so not prepared for the next question. She asked if we had ever been arrested. I replied in the negative but felt uncomfortable. It was a strange feeling. I was in a place which is supposed to be “not nice”. We were told that we could go and sit in booth 50. As we walked towards the booth,  couldn’t stop noticing how many little kids were running around. There were young women and some not so young. As I walked past the set of booths to get to mine, I noticed a lady who was expecting, stand up and turn sideways to show the man on the other side of the other side of the window the little bump on her tummy. I continued walking but in a trance. I saw elderly women who had come to see their sons. I saw young women who had come to see their spouse/ boyfriends.  I saw several kids who were so tiny that they could not see their “daddy” if they sat on the chair and so they were either in their mommy’s arms or on the little shelf like area which was to rest yourself on while talking to the inmates on the phone.

I went through a change inside of me that day. I am so thankful, so grateful for even the smallest thing I have in life. I feel like I have returned from a land where people are deprived of the littlest of things. I can still remember the sad faces of the relatives and the inmates as the announcement would be made that the time was up and they had to hang up. There are a thousand questions and thoughts that run through  my mind since that day but the most dominant thought on my mind is “Thank you God for all that I have”!!